


Wildfire

by EverettV



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Arguing, Car Accidents, Cheating, Divorce, Drunken Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hospitals, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Warnings May Change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-07 15:29:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10363650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverettV/pseuds/EverettV
Summary: Had he seen it coming? Yes, probably. For the last few months, Antonio had been pulling further and further away from him. He makes every excuse to come home later and later, sleeps on the couch, or stays at a friends house. Lovino doesn’t want to think that he might be cheating, but knows that it’s entirely possible at this point.Previously titled: Do you love me?





	1. November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain."  
> \- Emily Dickinson

Had he seen it coming? Yes, probably. For the last few months, Antonio had been pulling further and further away from him. He makes every excuse to come home later and later, sleeps on the couch, or stays at a friends house. Lovino doesn’t want to think that he might be cheating, but knows that it’s entirely possible at this point. Lovino shakes his head and continues to make them dinner. It’s their anniversary after all. The big five. 

It’s hard to believe they’ve been married for five years now. Lovino can’t help the smile that comes to his lips. He’s so in love with Antonio even after all those years. Antonio was the first person to help Lovino realize that he’s not alone, that other people suffer, that sometimes your happiness exists, it’s just deep inside you. He had helped Lovino talk to and get along with his grandfather and brothers. 

But… Lovino deflates, staring into the seasoned sauce. He pulls it off of the burner and sets it down on the stove top. He pulls the softened noodles off as well, draining them then pouring them into the pan. He pours cheese over top and sets it in the oven, sighing. He turns and sets up the table, lighting the scented candles before getting into a nice outfit. Lovino is nervous as he sets their food on the table, adding a salad. 

Usually if Antonio is going to come home, he’d be home at this point. Lovino sits at the table, leaning his head on his hand and tapping his fingers on the table. Maybe he’s just a bit late? Lovino nods to himself. That’s rational. Don’t let it get to you. Maybe the airhead forgot it was their anniversary until he was leaving work and so he rushed to find a present? Lovino takes a deep breath to keep himself calm, rubbing his palms on his pants. It would be okay if Lovino started on the wine, he’s sure. 

It was a birthday present from his grandfather a few months earlier. An old wine from their company. One that’s been sitting in his grandfather’s cellar for years. A special occasion wine. Lovino pours himself a large glass of it, sipping it at first. Slowly he makes his way through the bottle. The food is cold and the candles are burned down to their bottoms by the time Lovino gives up and moves to the couch, leaving the last little flame to put itself out in the liquid wax. 

By midnight, Lovino is struggling to keep his hopes and his eyelids up. His chest aches. He only saw Antonio once on their anniversary. Arguably the most important day of the year to them. Lovino looks up when he hears a car pull into the driveway, and a loud set of voices. More than one. Antonio bursts through the door, singing the lyrics to some Spanish song at the top of his lungs. Francis and Gilbert follow behind him, laughing and singing along in their native languages. 

If he weren’t so irritated, he might have laughed. But he is irritated. How could Antonio spend their anniversary at a bar with his friends getting drunk off their asses and just completely forget about him. At least he could have invited him to the bar with him. Lovino growls softly, stamping his foot and dragging his hand through his hair. Lovino wants to scream and yell and have a fit at Antonio, but he seriously doubts that he’ll remember it anyways. 

“Where were you?” Lovino asks lowly. Antonio doesn’t hear him over his own obnoxiousness, so Lovino grabs his shoulders to get his attention. “Where were you Antonio?” He snaps. Antonio smiles brightly at him and hugs him tightly, spinning him around once before setting him down. 

“Lovi! We were doing the bar crawl! It’s the first year they were doing it and we wanted to try it out. Emma was there and we all had a lot of fun! But the uber had to bring us. Can you take Francis and Gilbert home? I don’t want them to get into an accident or something.” Antonio smiles brightly and nuzzles his hair softly. “When you get back we can play around in the bed.” He stumbles off toward their bedroom, leaving Lovino standing there, more angry than before. He turns to Francis and Gilbert, who are tugging at each others clothes. Lovino grabs his keys and shoves his feet into his shoes. 

“No, don’t you fucking dare.” He shouts. “If you want a ride home, you’ll get your asses out the door in the next two seconds. If you don’t, you’ll walk.” He growls. They seem to listen and make their way to the garage behind him. Lovino thinks it’s a miracle that they keep their hands to themselves until they are parking in front of Francis’ house. Lovino feels tears welling up in his eyes when he’s finally alone. He makes it back to their house before he lets the tears fall. Lovino turns off the car and sobs, leaning his head on his wheel and letting the droplets roll off his cheeks and hit the black leather. Lovino jumps, wincing at the loud sound of the horn when his head smacks into it. 

Antonio smiles brightly in at him, from the other side of the window. “Come on, Lovi! Let’s make it two for two tonight!” He shouts. Lovino tilts his head slightly, getting out when Antonio moves. 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He asks sharply, face reddening. He already thinks he knows, but he doesn’t want to be right. 

“Arthur and I had a quickie at the first bar. Come on Lovi.” He pulls his husband close, nuzzling his neck and letting his teeth scrape over the tanned skin. Antonio stumbles back when Lovino shoves him off, looking at him with confusion. “Lovi what’s wrong? I’ll wait until we’re in the bedroom…?” He offers. 

Lovino scoffs. “I’m not going to let you fuck me Antonio. Surprisingly, I actually want the person I’m sleeping with to love me. Go to the bedroom and go the fuck to sleep, asshole. I don’t want to see you until morning. And then I’m leaving you.” He growls. Antonio tilts his head and grabs Lovino’s hand, only to get pushed off again. Lovino drags Antonio to their bedroom, pushing him into bed, making him lay on his side, then leaves, slamming the door behind him. 

Lovino whimpers softly when it really clicks what happened. He takes off the too tight button up and dress slacks, pulling on one of Antonio’s sweatshirts and sitting on the window sill. “I can’t believe it… I can’t believe him sometimes.” He leans his head on the cold glass and watches the stars in the sky. He isn’t sure how long he’s there, but soon he’s seeing the sunlight. Stumbling on the stairs alerts him to Antonio being awake and moving. Lovino won’t look at him, knowing if he does, the floodgates will open and all hopes of talking to him will be gone. Lovino will only cry. 

Antonio walks into the kitchen and pauses when he sees the dinner set up, wondering what it was for and why it was left uneaten. He looks at the calendar on the fridge and bites his lip. “Lovi? I’m sorry, I forgot. What happened yesterday? Why didn’t we eat dinner?” He walks into the living room, watching the Italian stiffen then relax. Why does Lovi look so tired? Didn’t he sleep. “You weren’t lying with me. I thought you were at work. Your alarm was going off… It was sooo loud.” He runs a hand through his own messy hair. 

Lovino slowly gets up, still not facing him. He stares at the lightening sky as he brings himself to speak. “We didn’t eat… Because you were too busy fucking your coworker and drinking with your friends to bother to remember our anniversary.” He whispers, voice shaking. “What the fuck is wrong with you. Please elaborate.” He growls, turning to him. “You forget our anniversary, you forget about me. You fuck someone else on our anniversary. How long… Can you even tell me that?” He asks, tears pouring down his cheeks. 

Antonio pauses, looking down when Lovino brings up Arthur. He rubs the back of his neck and just takes the yelling. “Six months. And I don’t fuck him, he fucks me.” Antonio looks up at him. “And you think you have a right to scream at me about this? I’ve been faking smiles for months and you haven’t said a word to me. You’ve noticed, I know you fucking have, Lovino! I don’t love you anymore! I haven’t loved you in months but you ignored it!” He snaps back. 

Lovino looks up at Antonio with big eyes, then looks down. “You… You didn’t say anything to me… I would’ve done something if you would’ve communicated! Getting fucked behind my back isn’t the way to do it! We could’ve done something!” He shouts. Antonio rolls his eyes, head pounding. He runs his hand through the chocolate curls then glares at Lovino. 

“I didn’t think you’d be willing to just talk to me, and I was right. You’re ornery and angry all the time. I’ve been pretending to ignore it, I thought you would get better the longer we were together, but you didn’t! You never acted like you love me, you never seemed to care! What was I supposed to do? I thought you were just staying for some glimmer of love! You only stayed with me for as long as you did because I was the first person to show you some compassion! It’s not fair Lovino! It’s not fair to act like this is all my fault! You had a part in this too! If you would have, I don’t know, shown your love to me once in awhile I wouldn’t have had to go to another man to feel cared for! Arthur actually loves me Lovino! He wants me around! He doesn’t constantly belittle me!” 

Lovino’s eyes go wide, then he looks down. “Great. Go to him then, why don’t you. Emma brought your car home about an hour ago. Go get fucked and forget about me. I’ll contact a divorce lawyer.” He whispers, heart throbbing. “Get out of here.” He walks past Antonio, slamming into him on his way by. Lovino slams their bedroom door shut, locking it. He doesn’t care that Antonio is in yesterday's clothes still, he can ask his boyfriend for some. 

Antonio blinks, as if the events from before are just then occurring to him. When he hears the slam of the door he starts to move again. “Lovi… Wait no, I’m so sorry.” He whispers, turning towards the stairs. He doesn’t want to hurt Lovino. After a few steps he shakes his head and walks toward the door, opening the front and taking his keys off the porch. Giving Lovino time to calm down so they can properly talk is the best idea, Antonio decides. What Antonio said was mostly true. He doesn’t love Lovino anymore, but that doesn’t give him the right to say what he did. 

He is on his phone as he drives to Arthur’s, warning him that he’s on his way. He doesn’t see the stop sign, or maybe he just doesn’t care, but whatever the reason, Antonio doesn’t have time to regret it before he’s thrown from his car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "To live is so startling, it leaves little time for anything else."  
> \- Emily Dickinson
> 
> Feel free to let me know about any errors


	2. Ready to Question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive"  
> -Unknown? 
> 
> If anyone knows the source just let me know

_Beep_. ‘What the hell is that?’ _Beep._ ‘It’s so obnoxious… Is it a school day?’ _Beep._ ‘I don’t remember setting an alarm…’ _Beep._ ‘Is somebody crying?’ _Beep_. ‘Oh my god, just turn it off…’ _Beep._ Antonio finally opens his eyes, looking up at the white ceiling of the hospital room that’s been called his. He whines in pain at the bright light before reaching for his alarm clock. He lets out a shriek of pain and lets it fall to the bed beside him. 

Antonio stays still after that, eyes wide. He licks his lips and stares at the ceiling, pain pulsing through his entire body. The door opens then closes, and Antonio cranes his neck to look at who it is, and gasps in relief when he sees Francis and Gilbert, though he is confused to see them much older than he remembers. “Fran! Gil! You have to tell me what’s going on!” He exclaims, laying his head back against the pillows. His voice comes out much weaker than he expected. Francis glances at Gilbert then back at Antonio, sitting beside him and grasping his hand. 

“Okay… Toni what do you remember?” He asks softly, examining his face. “Because you were in a car accident and suffered severe trauma to the head. They’re worried you wouldn’t remember anything. Tell me what you know first, and I’ll tell you exactly what’s happened since then.” He whispers. Antonio looks into his eyes then up at the ceiling, thinking it over. 

“I remember high school. We’re seniors, but you certainly look older. So does Gil.” Antonio whispers. “I remember that I have a test soon. I don’t know what class. And I remember that I just moved in with Gilbert because my parents kicked me out for being gay. I also remember kissing both of you recently…” He looks over at Francis who sighs sadly, then nods. 

“Okay… Well you’re not in highschool, actually you’ve graduated college. You’re a lawyer. You’re a lawyer at the best law firm in town. You’re 27.” Francis explains. “And so are we. I have a little son, his name is Matthew. Gilbert married that beautiful girl he met in highschool, Elizabeta. And they’re both dating an uptight musician named Roderich. Matthew’s mother left us a few years ago, when he was a year old. Her name was Alice.” Francis rubs his thumb over Antonio’s knuckles. 

Antonio is silent as he listens, then thinks about it. “Oh that’s cool. I never got married?” He asks. “I’ve always wanted kids. I think it would be really fun to have children. But I want the child to have both parents.” He hums. He closes his eyes and sighs softly. “What damage did the accident do? My entire body hurts. Well… Most of it.” For the first time he notices a lack of pain in his legs. He opens his eyes again. 

Francis takes a deep breath. “Well… They said that you’re paralyzed from the waist down. And they didn’t know just how bad it was until you moved around. I can call a nurse to give you more pain medications. You didn’t get married, no. A few people you slept with, but you never decided to stay with anybody.” He sighs and glances at Gilbert again. “You’ve been asleep for a few days now, but they said you’re healing well from some of your surgeries. You’re bruised all over and you have a broken arm. A few broken ribs also.” 

Antonio stares at the ceiling. “I can feel it. It hurts Franny. No, please don’t. I don’t want to go to sleep again. Can I sit up?” He asks. Francis sighs and hits the button to call a nurse, explaining to her everything that Antonio said to him. His nurse nods and smiles gently at him, setting down her clipboard. 

“Hey… I can sit you up, but if it hurts too much, I have to lay you down again. We want to do some tests on your legs and spine, to see if there’s any chance of anything coming back. We also have to keep you for a few more weeks, to check on your brain and the rest of your body. Your husband was waiting downstairs, but he didn’t really want to come up for some reason.” Emma smiles gently at Antonio and sits him up slowly. Antonio looks confused, turning to Francis who sighs. 

“That wasn’t his husband. Antonio isn’t married, and hasn’t ever been married.” He responds, smiling at Emma. Emma frowns a bit then nods a bit. 

“Okay. Some guy was downstairs was asking about you.” Emma tells Antonio. Antonio nods a bit and looks at Francis. 

“Do you know who it is?”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t want to see you. He’s an old friend of Ludwig’s, and he was asking for Ludwig’s sake. Ludwig was busy today.” Francis takes Antonio’s hand gently and smiles at him. “Gil and I are gonna visit you all the time, until you can leave. You have a house and it’s a two story but we’ll have a chair lift put in for you.” He smiles at his best friend. Antonio sighs and nods a bit. 

“I think I’ll take that pain medication now.” He whispers. Emma nods and smiles at him. She checks his vitals and takes a few notes before giving him a small dose of pain medication. She steps out to go talk to Antonio’s doctor, who comes back to check on him the next day. 

Antonio gives a tired smile to the woman. She’s cute, Antonio notices, but he can’t even begin to focus on something like that. His body is in so much pain that the edges of his vision are blurring. “Hello, Antonio, my name is Dr. Zwingli.” She says gently and sits him up slowly. “I want to do a few tests on your legs and the rest of your body to make sure you’re healing right, and to see if you’ll ever regain feeling in your legs. There’s some hope that that will happen.” She looks over his file. “Your ribs have been healing relatively quickly, but your arm is going to take a long time.” 

“Broken ribs usually take about six weeks to heal, but yours might heal a bit faster, especially considering the fact that it didn’t break badly. Your arm is going to take at least three months to heal. We aren’t certain, because of how bad it was. You’re going to probably need to go to physical therapy for it. Over the next few weeks we’re going to keep an eye on the injuries in your legs. The fact that you can’t feel them can cause severe complications if your injuries become infected. We’re also going to teach you how to get in and out of your wheelchair on your own.” Elise smiles at him again. 

“I can see that you’re in a lot of pain, so I’m going to administer a small amount of pain medication, but not enough to put you to sleep. Since you’re awake, you need to eat on your own. Nurse Maes, she’s been your nurse before, will be in in a few minutes with your breakfast.” Elise stands and heads for the door. “Don’t hesitate to call if you need anything. My older brother is your normal doctor but he’s got a major surgery to finish, and probably won’t be able to help you for the rest of the day.” 

Antonio takes in the information silently. He’s scared. Of course he’s scared. He nods in understanding and looks down at his legs, wishing he could move them. It seems like such a luxury now. He sets his hand on one of his thighs, wondering silently if he’d rather them be painful than unfeeling altogether. The pain medication only dulls the pain, but now it’s bearable and not blurring his vision. 

The next few weeks drag on for Antonio. He just wants to leave the hospital, but he understands why they are doing what they’re doing. He’s to come in once a week until his cast comes off of his arm to check for infections and healing. He’s sure that they are also worried about his legs, and that’s why they didn’t refer him elsewhere. Antonio is given a folder with instructions on how to take care of himself, as well as a wheelchair. He signs himself out and holds the bag of his stuff along with his file on his lap as Francis wheels him out of the hospital. 

“Do you think I could stay with you until I get a second wheelchair, Franny?” Antonio asks, looking up at him. Francis smiles softly and nods. 

“Of course. Your stair lift has been installed, but it would be best to have a wheelchair upstairs for you. Are you thinking of getting an electronic wheelchair?” Francis asks, gently lifting Antonio into the front seat of his car. Antonio whines in pain as he does, leaning his head back into the seat. 

“Yes… Yes I’ve considered it.” He whispers, closing his tightly. Antonio realizes that moving around at all is going to suck until his ribs heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt"  
> \- John Greene
> 
> Read and edited by AsexualShadowPrince


	3. Start Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet"  
> \- Emily Dickinson

Antonio can’t stand the thought of being useless. For the first week he let Francis dote on him, but Francis has a kid and can’t take care of them both, so he decides to go with him to the store. He’s hoping that Francis will let him pay for it, since he has money even after the hospital bills. He check his bank account, which was shockingly full. Thousands upon thousands of dollars. Francis tells him that he had been saving up for something, for what, though, Francis isn’t sure. 

Francis smiles down at Antonio and gently sets a hand on Antonio’s steadily growing back hair before moving away to pull something off the upper shelf and set it in the basket in Antonio’s lap. Francis runs his fingers through his own hair and sighs. “I’m gonna go get something from a few aisles over. A gift for little Matthew. Just get what you can from the grocery list, okay?” He smiles softly down at Antonio then walks away, hands in his pockets. Antonio nods, wheeling himself forward and locking the wheels. He reaches forward to take something off of the shelf. 

It crashes to the ground, making him cuss under his breath. He can’t reach that far forward, it hurts his ribs too much. Antonio whines softly, moving the basket to the ground to reach for the can. Someone walks over, picking it up and handing it to Antonio. “You idiot, be more careful.” He whispers, no bite behind his words. Antonio looks up and feels like his breath is torn from his body. The most beautiful person he’s seen in his entire life is standing in front of him, golden eyes dull but still so deep. His lips are twisted into a frown as he looks down at Antonio. 

Antonio is shaken from staring at Lovino when Francis comes over to them, and Antonio is shocked to see his friend look so angry. Francis grabs Lovino’s arm and pulls him to the end of the aisle, glancing at a still confused Antonio before looking down at Lovino again. “What do you think you’re doing? He doesn’t remember you. Are you trying to get with him again?” Francis whispers. 

Lovino looks up at him then down, shaking his head. “No. I know he doesn’t remember me, and I don’t want him to. I don’t want him anywhere near me. It’s not my fault that we happened to be shopping at the same time. And he dropped something so I helped him grab it so the idiot didn’t hurt himself.” He growls, looking down. “Just keep him away from me, I don’t want to see him ever again.” He hisses, storming away. He pauses when his wrist is grabbed and glares back at Francis. 

“You’re selfish, Lovino.” Francis whispers before letting go of him and letting him walk away. Lovino does, as quickly as possible. He goes to the pharmacy to pick up his medications then grabs the makings for some food. He’s planning on moving into a small apartment, to get away from all of Antonio’s belongings and their memories, so he’s not going to stock the kitchen completely again, just enough to keep him alive until he moves. 

Antonio smiles at Francis when he returns to his side. “Who was that? He was so pretty.” Antonio whispers, grabbing something else from the shelf in front of him. “Why were you so mad at him? He looked really sad, like someone he loves just died.” 

Francis shrugs. “He’s an old friend of Ludwig’s.” He whispers. “The one who was at the hospital when you first woke up. He looks sick and sad, so maybe that did happen.” He smiles at Antonio then unlocks his wheels to push him forward. “They didn’t have what I wanted to get Matthew here, so I’ll have to go get it a little later.” He pushes Antonio around the store then to the line. 

It’s slow going. The cashier doesn’t quite seem to know how to scan quickly. Antonio isn’t bothered, being out of Francis’ house is honestly a blessing at this point. He wants to go to the park and play his guitar, but he doesn’t want to ask Francis to do that. Antonio glances up at his friend and frowns, looking down again. “We should go to the park with Matthew later. Or you can just drop me off there, with my guitar. I really want to write music again.” He hums softly. “And I want to go enjoy some outside time. I’d just go but…” 

Antonio looks down at his lap. Francis thinks about it for a moment then smiles. “I’ll go get your guitar and some of your clothes today, if you’ll watch Matthew. Elizabeth, Gilbert, and Roderich want to go out tonight, so Gilbert can’t watch him later.” Francis hums. “Then I’ll take you to the park tomorrow when Matthew is at school and I’m at work, and I’ll pick you up again afterwards.” 

Antonio beams at his friend and nods, thanking him. When it’s finally their turn, Antonio reaches up and slides his card to pay for everything. He sighs softly, wondering if he could still do his job as a lawyer. Probably not, since he doesn’t remember anything about it. Maybe someone will hire him to do a desk job, so he can pitch in with rent and foods and such. 

He signs, with some difficulty, then takes the bags and sets them in his lap again. Antonio catches a glimpse of the gorgeous man from before getting into his car. Their eyes meet for a moment, so Antonio smiles brightly and waves to him. The stranger rolls his eyes and glares then backs out of his parking spot. Antonio shrugs, not sure why he is upset. Something in the back of his mind tells him he should care deeply about him and his worries, but he can’t place why and thus ignores it. 

Francis takes the groceries and puts them in the trunk of his car before helping Antonio into it as well. The Spaniard is still struggling deeply with moving like that, and lets out a quiet cry of pain when his ribs are jostled. Though they are almost healed they’re still sore and painful. He has a couple more weeks before they’re completely healed. When he’s in the seat he looks up at Francis. “When is my next appointment?” He asks. 

“This Wednesday.” He pokes Antonio’s nose playfully then closes the door and puts the wheelchair in the back. “Do you still have your house key? Do you know? Because it would be easier than dealing with your roommate. He’s kind of a pain in the ass.” Francis explains. Antonio shrugs and smiles at him. 

“If I do, it’s probably with the stuff they got from my car. I haven’t been to pick it up, so it probably all go thrown away or something. Or maybe my roommate went to pick it up.” Antonio’s hand goes to his ring finger, as if he’s going to fidget with something. He looks down when he feels nothing then looks at Francis. “Did I wear a ring or something? It’s like muscle memory for me to try to play with it.” He pouts. “Is there something you’re trying to keep away from me? Oh god, was I wearing a purity ring? I didn’t think you could take a purity pledge if you’d had sex.” 

Francis snorts then shakes his head. “I don’t know if you wore a ring. You might have, I don’t pay attention to things like that.” He starts the car. “We could go get you a cheap ring if you want one to play with. Maybe you had one as like a gift from somebody?” He pulls out of the parking lot and starts the drive back to his house. 

Antonio goes silent after that. He feels like Francis isn’t telling him the whole truth, or maybe that’s all Francis knows about it. Maybe he did have a ring, it certainly _looks_ like he had one at one point. A slight tan with a lighter band of colour where a ring would sit. Antonio leans his head back and sighs, wincing at the pain in his ribs. “I would like to get a ring.” He agrees. “Maybe, since I don’t remember losing my virginity, it could be a purity ring. Since I don’t remember it happening, I can still be pure, right?” He smiles softly. Francis laughs softly. 

“Mon ami, if you don’t remember it, how do you know it happened?” He teases. Antonio smirks over at him. 

“Oh please, have you seen my ass? Clearly I’ve fucked somebody.” He responds playfully. “If you didn’t have a kid, I’d doubt you slept with anybody, though.” Antonio looks out the window. “I mean, why have you when they could have all this.” He gestures to himself. Francis glances at him but only gives a bemused smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I hate the way you talk to me,   
> and the way you cut your hair,   
> I hate the way you drive my car,   
> I hate it when you stare,   
> I hate your big dumb combat boots,   
> And the way you read my mind,   
> I hate you so much it makes me sick,   
> It even makes me rhyme.   
> I hate when you're always right,   
> I hate it when you lie,   
> I hate it when you make me laugh  
> Even worse when you make me cry.   
> I hate it that you're not around,  
> And the fact that you don't call  
> But mostly I hate the way  
> I don't hate you, not even close  
> Not even a little bit  
> Not even at all"  
> \- Kat, 10 Things I Hate About You


	4. Panic Chord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But I love your feet  
> Only because they walked  
> Upon the earth and upon   
> The wind, and upon the waters  
> Until they found me"   
> \- Pablo Neruda

Lovino sighs as he steps into the house. He slams his body against the door and slides to his rear, starting to sob softly. His entire house is trashed. All the pictures of himself and Antonio are lying in shreds around and glass from the frames makes the house look like a war zone. He needs to clean it all up, pack his stuff, pack Antonio’s stuff…. He can’t sell the house in the state it is in. 

Lovino pushes himself up, tears still in his eyes. He heads to the guest bedroom and grabs a few boxes from the closet, packing Antonio’s clothes into them. He moves around the room systematically packing everything of Antonio’s he can find, including the ring the hospital gave to him when he visited Antonio at his first night there. He puts it in a little box and sets it on top. Lovino keeps the pictures and photo albums, the ones left undestroyed, to himself. 

Lovino is reluctant to set Antonio’s guitar aside with everything else. It reminds him of all the beautiful songs Antonio dedicated to him, wrote for him. Lovino opens the case and takes the papers out, not wanting Antonio to see the music he wrote to Lovino, just in case it reminds him of him. Lovino would rather live in a world where Antonio doesn’t remember him, than live in a world where Antonio resents Lovino. 

Lovino looks up when he hears knocking on his door. He sighs and sets the papers in one of the glass piles before closing Antonio’s guitar case. He opens the door and sighs deeply. “I was hoping you’d come by. I have his clothes and guitar packed up, if you want anything else you’ll have to come back.” He disappears inside and comes back to see Francis starting to follow him. “Don’t you dare walk in. You stay outside, I’ll carry everything to you.” He growls. Francis pauses then looks down, sighing. He takes the box from Lovino. 

“I’m sorry. What I said earlier was unfair. You aren’t selfish to want to be away from Antonio. He hurt you, and you’re afraid he’s going to do it again.” He shakes his head. “I was selfish. I wanted only to protect Antonio, I didn’t think about how you would feel. Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to forgive me.” Francis puts the box in the trunk of his car. Lovino doesn’t say another word to Francis while he brings boxes to the front. When he has to hand over Antonio’s guitar, though, he falters again. 

“I don’t… I don’t want to give it up… Oh god it will make this all too real, Francis. I can’t…” He holds onto the worn handle tighter, then hugs the case to his chest. He’d been living in a fine state of denial for the last month, but seeing Antonio and packing his stuff had shocked Lovino into properly thinking. He presses his forehead into the black leather, fingernails digging into it. He feels something warm around him and vaguely registers that Francis is hugging him. 

Lovino leans heavily into him and sobs softly. He buries his face in the Frenchman’s chest, unable to control himself. They stand like that until Lovino has no tears left, and Francis is worrying about Matthew. It’s dinner time, and while Antonio can cook, he hasn’t cooked since he ended up in the chair. Lovino relaxes and looks up at Francis, frowning deeply. “Please don’t tell anyone about that…” He whispers, finally allowing Francis to gently take the guitar. Francis smiles sadly at Lovino. 

“And who would I tell, mon cher? I have no reason to revel in your pain, there is nothing for me to tell. You have every reason to cry. Would you like me to record him playing for you?” He asks softly. “I’m sure he would love to play again.” Francis smiles again when Lovino nods slowly and sighs. 

“Please. I don’t care what he plays, I just want to hear it again. Do you… Do you know when he finally stopped loving me?” He asks. Francis looks at the ground and runs a hand through his hair before nodding. 

“He tells me everything. I believe it was around your third anniversary that he realized… I don’t know why he stayed, before you ask. He never gave a reason. He just stayed and complained whenever he was alone with Gilbert and I that he’s suffering. I’m sorry mon cher, sometimes Antonio struggles with his own feelings. Perhaps, he didn’t fall out of love with you. Perhaps he just felt it lessening, or perhaps he felt something he didn’t understand and that’s why he thought he did.” Francis sets his hand on Lovino’s cheek and pats it gently. “I will see you soon, for the rest of Antonio’s things. Wednesday? Antonio has a physical therapy appointment that day, so I’ll already have time off of work.” 

Lovino nods. “I think I could do that. I… I don’t have work and I’m packing anyway. I’m moving.” He sighs softly and runs a hand through his hair. “So, I’ll do that. Please leave, before I embarrass myself even worse.” Lovino whispers. Francis nods and runs his hands over the guitar case. 

“If you still want to avoid him, I’m taking him to the park by the river tomorrow, so you’ll know to avoid him. Au revoir, mon cher. I hope times sees you getting better.” Francis walks away, gently setting the guitar case in his front seat. Lovino watches him leave then sighs softly, slamming the door shut. He sighs softly and grabs his groceries, putting them on the counter. 

Lovino eats a quick dinner then heads out to get more boxes. He packs all of Antonio’s stuff, even potting his tomatoes and moving them to the front porch. He has everything prepared for Francis to come pick them up the in a few days. He sighs softly, wondering if he should try to avoid Antonio. He doesn’t remember Lovino, so what’s the point in staying away? He could have his smiley, happy, loyal Antonio back… Lovino shakes his head and sighs. 

It’s a bad idea. He could walk by and listen to Antonio play, he knows that Antonio used to love playing in the park, but could he do it with his arm hurt? He had noticed when he was in the store. Did Francis forget? Did Antonio? Antonio is an airhead, he wouldn’t be surprised if Antonio forgot he wouldn’t be able to play. Maybe Francis is frazzled, and that’s why? Doesn’t matter, he’ll remember. 

Lovino wonders if Antonio broke the hand he usually strums with. Then maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal. Lovino leans his head on the wall, trying to make himself stop thinking about Antonio. He pulls out the vacuum cleaner to get the glass out of the carpet. He sighs and sets it aside, thinking it’s done. He takes off his shoes and gasps when he immediately feels glass press into his foot. 

Lovino cleans it up then decides to be done for the rest of the night, taking his medications before flopping into bed. He has a restless sleep, waking up the next morning feeling worse than the night before. He stands up and wanders to the bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror and shaking his head. He looks like the walking dead. Face sunken and pale, dark black bags under his eyes. He knows if he lifts up his shirt he’ll see his ribs. 

Lovino pulls on his shoes and heads outside, hoping to see Antonio now. He walks toward the park, taking his time. The sun his high in the sky by the time he makes it to the river. Lovino hears a familiar song and gets closer, watching Antonio, without a cast, he notices. He makes an irritated sound and walks over to him. 

“Hey, idiot. Where’s your god damn cast.” He asks. Antonio looks up in surprise and chuckles. 

“I took it off. I want to play the guitar.” He responds. Lovino raises an eyebrow and has to refrain from taking the guitar and snapping at him about taking proper care of himself. 

“Fine… Whatever.” Lovino looks down at the guitar and sighs. “Don’t stop playing, then. If you want to get hurt then do it. Not my problem.” He crosses his arms and walks away, huffing softly. He does a loop of the park then sits on the other side of the tree, listening to the music. 

Antonio was thrilled to see the golden eyed angel again, but his heart dropped when he walked away. He can’t exactly follow Lovino to talk to him. He didn’t even get to ask his name… Maybe Francis is right, he should just leave him alone. If he’s hurting that bad, he doesn’t want anybody to bother him. Antonio’s music starts to get sadder. He doesn’t know why, but something is nagging at him, and it’s making his heart feel like it’s squeezing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "People fear death  
> Even more than pain.   
> It's strange that they fear death.   
> Life hurts a lot more than death.   
> At the point of death,  
> The pain is over.   
> Yeah, I guess it's a friend..."   
> \- Jim Morrison


	5. Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Sorry this one is so short!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Beginnings are scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in-between that makes love worth experiencing." - Unknown (Drop a comment if you know who said it)

Francis is mad when he arrives to find Antonio without his cast on, but Antonio’s mind is elsewhere. He is still back with Lovino, still back when Lovino was scolding him for the same reason. Francis seems to notice that his friend isn’t listening and heaves a deep sigh. “Antonio, mon cher, look at me. What has gotten into you? Did you see a pretty little thing in the park?” He asks. Antonio’s eyes find Francis finally and a smile spreads across his face. He nods happily. 

“Sí, I found the prettiest angel of all time.” He responds. “Lovino! He came to the park and yelled at me for not wearing my cast then he left really quickly. I was kinda sad because I want to talk to him. Why does he avoid me?” Antonio asks, biting his lower lip. Francis takes a deep breath then shrugs. 

“I don’t know. At this point it almost seems like he’s not avoiding you. That’s always been how he is, he’s angry and mean and distant, but when he loves somebody, he’d do anything for them. Anything to let them know he cares, even if he can’t say it.” Francis tells Antonio. “He probably thinks that you’re interesting, and he wants to know more about you.” He assures. Francis parks in his driveway. “I’m going to make dinner tonight, okay? But after that I have to do some things for work and I need you to watch Matthew again.” 

Francis is lying, but he doesn’t think Antonio realizes. Antonio always was oblivious… He gets out and helps Antonio into his chair then sets his guitar in his lap and pushes the wheelchair toward the front door. Antonio holds his guitar tightly and smiles at Matthew when the little boy comes running through the door. Someone vaguely familiar to Antonio comes forward behind him and smiles at them. 

“Hello Antonio!” Feliciano exclaims and comes forward to hug him. Francis sets his hand on Feliciano’s shoulder and shakes his head slowly. Antonio watches them looking at each other for a few moments before Feliciano seems to get it. “My name’s Feliciano. I came to visit my brother, but Jeanne called me and asked me to come watch Matthew because she had to dash.” He looks at Francis when he says the second part, acknowledging that he’s the one who needs that part of the explanation. 

“Okay, I’ll call her and tell her thank you. How did she know you were in town, anyway?” He asks. Feliciano giggles softly. 

“I posted to social media. I love my friends here and I wanted to hang out with them. I have to head over to Lo… My brother’s house now, he really needs me. Matthew had an apple for a snack and he was working on his reading homework. I didn’t feed him because I figured you would.” Feliciano gives Francis a quick hug then walks down to where he parked on the street. 

Francis takes a deep breath then takes Antonio inside. He makes dinner and sits down, smiling brightly at Matthew. “Ma petite souris, how was school?” He asks gently. Matthew talks excitedly about what they did that day, and all the new things he’s learning. He smiles happily at Antonio and Francis. 

“Feliciano taught me some Italian! Well… I wouldn’t really say he taught me the word but he said it when he saw the time. He was supposed to go to Uncle Lovino’s house way earlier and he’s late actually. He said merda right before you pulled up and then told me it means shit!” He grins. Francis chokes on his food for a moment then sighs deeply. 

“Don’t say shit, or merda, Mattie.” He says gently. “They’re naughty words. And if you say naughty words then I have to take away gold stars.” Francis explains. Matthew’s eyes go wide and he starts to apologize, not wanting to lose any stars. His dad promised that if he got enough gold stars, he’d let Matthew have a pet. 

Antonio laughs softly. “You could say mierda in Spanish or merde in French.” He says, eyes sparkling with glee. Francis gives him a look, as if to say ‘stop teaching my son bad words’ then looks back to Matthew with a gentle look in his eyes. 

“Ma petite souris, ignore your Uncle Antonio. He is a tête de la merde.” Francis smirks softly at Antonio faux hurt gasp. What Matthew said finally clicks and he turns to the child. 

“Mattie, did you say Lovino? That was Lovino’s brother?” Antonio asks, tilting his head. Matthew nods and smiles, shoving more food in his mouth. Antonio looks at Francis and sighs deeply. 

“That’s why he looks so familiar. How did he know me? He seemed like we were really close before the accident.” 

“He and Ludwig are together.” He comes up with the fastest lie possible. Feliciano lives out of town, and though he and Ludwig had feelings for each other, neither wanted a long distance relationship. 

The phone rings and Francis stands up, answering the phone. Colour drains from his face and he drops it. “Antonio… You… You need to watch Matthew. I’ll be back in a few hours. Make sure he finishes his homework.” Antonio tilts his head as Francis rushes out the front door then shrugs at Matthew. 

“Okay, Mattie. Do you want to learn some more Spanish cuss words?” He asks softly, a mischievous smile on his lips. Matthew giggles and nods, putting his finger to his lips. 

“Don’t tell Papa!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it" - Mila Bron


	6. Let Me In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You know my name, not my story" - My Dear Valentine

Lovino knocks on Francis’ door, lip turned up in frustration. The asshole never came to pick up the rest of Antonio’s shit. He sets down the tomato plant. Saturday, seriously? Three fucking days later and Lovino finally gave in and realized that Francis wasn’t coming to get everything. Maybe he just forgot? Lovino doesn’t give two shits, he’s being inconvenienced by having to come over to Francis’. 

The door opens and a little boy is standing there. He looks up at Lovino with big eyes then smiles. “Hey! Uncle Feli said he was visiting you earlier this week! I haven’t seen him since then.” He rushes out and hugs Lovino, who scoops him up with a small smile. “I haven’t seen you since Uncle Toni’s accident. I’ve missed you…” Matthew pouts at him. 

Lovino chuckles softly. “Where’s your father. I need to chew him out for leaving all of Antonio’s shit at my place.” He mumbles. He sets Matthew down and picks up the tomato plant. “Is Antonio home?” He asks. Matthew nods and grins, grabbing Lovino’s hand and pulling him into the house. Lovino looks around the clean house and sees Antonio sitting on the couch in the living room. 

“Papa is out somewhere. He wouldn’t tell us where he was going, so I guess it’s probably to see Miss Jeanne. He thinks that I’m going to mad to find out that they’re together, because he thinks that I’m going to be upset he’s ‘betraying’ mommy, but I wouldn’t think that. Mommy has been gone so long I barely remember her. I like Miss Jeanne, she has a kind face. She was hurt standing up for what she believes in, and her face has a big scar on it. It’s sad…” Matthew smiles at Antonio, pulling Lovino in front of him. Antonio looks up, dropping the book on his chest and groaning in pain. 

“Lovino!” Antonio pushes himself up. “Wh-what are you doing here?” He asks with a light blush spreading across his cheeks. “What do you have there?” He asks, looking at the plant in Lovino’s hands. 

“I’m here because your douchebag friend fucking forgot to come get the rest of your stuff. I had it all packed up and ready on Wednesday and he was supposed to come get it but he didn’t. I was supposed to have an open house to sell the place today but I couldn’t because I still had all your shit in the living room.” Lovino huffs. “It’s one of ten tomato plants. You love tomatoes.” 

Antonio frowns deeply. “Were you my roommate? I’m sorry, Francis has been scatterbrained all week, I don’t know what happened. He won’t talk to us about it.” Antonio grabs his chair and Matthew runs over, holding it steady while Antonio climbs into it. Antonio takes the tomato and rolls his chair over to kitchen, setting it on the table. “Okay, Lovi, bring everything in and I’ll move it around, okay?” He asks and smiles happily. 

Lovino heaves a sigh and rolls his eyes. “Of course I would be stuck with all this bull.” He mumbles and heads outside. He brings in a few boxes and all the tomato plants. Antonio moves things to his room with Matthew’s help, but the tomatoes he brings outside, rolling down the ramp Francis installed, and sets them down next to the path. 

Antonio struggles to get the chair back up the ramp until someone grabs the handles and pushes him up. “It’s a nice day today, Lovi. You shouldn’t spend it inside unpacking your stuff at your new place or anything. You and I should go down to the river to walk around and get some ice cream.” He smiles. “And lunch at this little cafe that Francis took me to after my appointment on Wednesday. It would be so fun and we could spend time together and get to know each other better!” He smiles brightly up at Lovino. 

Lovino is quiet after Antonio finishes speaking. He sighs softly and lets go of Antonio’s wheelchair, moving away from him. “Let me be honest with you, dumbass. I’ve been hurt and I have really bad trust issues. You seem really nice but I’m not interesting in thrusting myself into the painful world of dating again.” He says. “So it would be better for you to just give up now.” Lovino chews his lower lip, feeling bad when he sees disappointment in Antonio’s eyes. “I’m sure that we’ll be forced to see each other again. Don’t look at me like that.” He mumbles. 

Antonio looks down for a few seconds before looking up with a dazzling grin. “Whoever hurt you clearly didn’t deserve you.” He tells Lovino in a very serious voice. “But I’m not that guy and I want to be good to you. So I’ll do anything possible to help you with any issues and be the person you need.” He whispers, grabbing Lovino’s hand gently and pressing his lips to Lovino’s knuckles. Lovino makes a face and yanks his hand back. 

“Don’t fucking kiss me.” He mutters and looks away, face reddening. “Fine. If you are convinced that I am doing better by being with you, then I suppose I can humour you. But don’t expect anything more than me pretending to listen on this so called lunch.” He hisses. Antonio looks down, eyebrows coming together. He doesn’t quite understand, he’d never been hurt like Lovino clearly had. He nods slowly. 

“Whatever it takes to have a lunch with an angel.” He flirts. Lovino rolls his eyes and runs a hand through his hair in frustration before sighing. 

“Go call Michelle then, stupid.” He mutters, going inside and sitting on the couch. Antonio smiles softly and follows him, closing the door with a little struggle before grabbing the phone off of the wall and calling Matthew’s babysitter. Antonio watches Lovino while the phone rings, noticing that he looks pained. Lovino is staring ahead of him, jaw clenched and eyes shining with unshed tears. He wonders just what this other person did to him to make him feel like that. 

Antonio is so focused on Lovino that he doesn’t even hear Michelle speaking. When she gets a bit louder he realizes and blinks a few times. “Michelle! Hi! Sorry, I was wondering if you were available to come watch Matthew. I’m going to have lunch with the most beautiful person I’ve seen in my entire life, and Francis is somewhere else.” He tells her. Michelle gives a sharp intake of breath. 

“Yeah I know Mr. Francis is out. I actually am as well, I can’t come to watch Matthew. But I can give you the phone number of someone who can.” She reads it to him when he’s ready. Antonio thanks her and hangs up before calling the other person, arranging for her to come in a few minutes. Antonio rolls out to the front room and smiles at Lovino, who blinks quickly to get the tears to go away, wiping his cheeks quickly with his sleeve. 

“What did she say?” He asks. “Well I guess you wouldn’t be giving me that idiotic look if she hadn’t said yes, so are we going? Or do we have to wait for her to get here?” 

“Well, Michelle didn’t say yes, she’s busy, but another sitter is coming. She said she’d be here in a few minutes, so then we can go. She’s Michelle’s little sister.” Antonio explains. Lovino nods. 

“Ah… Lucille. I think they’re half sisters.” Lovino responds. Matthew looks up when they talk about him getting a baby sitter. 

“Wait! Uncle Toni you promised you’d be home!” He pouts. “Lucille is nice but she can’t cook like Michelle!” Matthew stands up and sits on the couch, clinging to Lovino’s arm. “It’s not fair, Uncle Lovi you don’t just get to steal Toni like that.” He frowns when he sees that Lovino had been crying but the bell rings before he can say anything. Matthew jumps up and opens the door, smiling at Lucille and bringing her in. 

“Hi Toni!” Lucille’s eyes are red rimmed, like she’s been crying but she doesn’t say anything to Antonio. She ruffles the Spaniard’s hair on her way by then heads to Matthew’s room with him to look at some new art he’s made. Antonio watches them go then turns to Lovino, eyes bright with excitement. 

“I’ll call a taxi to pick us up? It’s easier if I use that kinda thing, because of my wheelchair and all. Francis said we’re going to get a car that I can drive with my hands so that I can be more independent.” He rolls back to the kitchen and calls a cab, requesting that they take him and one other rider to the river. Lovino watches Antonio and sighs deeply. 

“Why am I doing this to myself?” He asks quietly. “He doesn’t remember what he did but I do. And I need to stop being bad to myself like this.” He runs his hands through his hair, listening to Antonio chattering with the other person. Lovino stands up. “I’m going to the bathroom, Antonio!” He calls out. He locks the bathroom door behind him and looks at himself in the mirror. He sees a pained and thin person in the mirror. He sees his own broken heart in his eyes. So why is he giving Antonio a second chance? Somewhere deep down he wants to forgive Antonio for everything that happened. Even if he knows he shouldn’t. Even if he knows now that he’s only bringing himself more misery. Nothing this new Antonio could do will ever heal the scars that the old Antonio left. 

People don’t work like that. Antonio’s love won’t make Lovino a blank slate, won’t return him to the person he was before Antonio betrayed him. It won’t replace the fragile trust Lovino had even before this all happened. He looks down at the ground and stays like that for seconds, lost in the never ending labyrinth that is his pain. He takes a deep breath and washes his face off before drying both on the towel hanging on the wall and stepping back outside. He sees Antonio smiling softly, running a hand through his hair as he waits for Lovino to be ready. When he notices the Italian standing in the hallway staring at him, his smile brightens and he gestures for him to step forward. Lovino sighs and does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And the story of love is a long sad tale ending in graves" - Jack Kerouac
> 
> As of 4-26-17 I am expecting to have at least 11 chapters, though there may be twelve if I do write an epilogue. I have full plans for chapters 8, 10, and 11. 7 and 9 are not filler chapters, I am just not sure how to go about writing them, so it may be awhile before I post chapter 7


	7. The Power of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I felt it shelter to speak to you" - Emily Dickinson

Lovino sits in his living room, a month and a half after his date with Antonio. It had been fun, at least Antonio had seemed to enjoy it. Lovino enjoyed walking along the river and the relative quiet involved. After everything, Lovino has noticed that Antonio changed. He’s much quieter and much more willing to just enjoy silences that he usually would have filled, and honestly, Lovino was grateful while on their date. But it was still hard on him. The whole thing made it feel like his heart was being torn from his chest. 

He sighs and looks at his wrist watch again. He had unfortunately been swept away in the moment and agreed to another date with Antonio, and now he’s waiting for him to send a text to him to let him know that he’s there. If Lovino is being honest, he doesn’t want to go out with Antonio again, because he knows if he keeps it up, that he’s going to be sucked into a relationship again. He never wanted to be in another one ever again. Love hurts. It does no good, only destroys. It tore his heart from his chest. It left him weak, left him breathless, left him with nothing. 

And here it is again, trying to breath itself back to life. The shrivelled up love for Antonio is trying to come back and consume him again. He wants nothing to do with it. Love destroyed him, and it won’t care, it will destroy him again if he gives it an in. Lovino has to do his best to keep it out. To make sure that he never gives anything that much power over him ever again. Has to make sure no one ever gets that power again. 

The buzzing of his phone shocks him out of his thoughts. He picks it up and sighs deeply, forcing himself to his feet. He heads out to the curb where Antonio is waiting, wearing nice clothes and holding a bouquet of red roses and carnations. “Lovino!” He exclaims happily. “I’m sorry I’m late, the flower shop was not wheelchair compatible. Isn’t that kinda ridiculous?” He asks, frowning. “Gilbert had to carry my into the shop and Francis had to carry my wheelchair. There should have been a ramp. I shouldn’t need to get help like that. But these are for you.” He holds out the flowers. 

Lovino takes the bouquet, looking down at them. “This is a shit ton of flowers Antonio!” He blushes darkly. He sees a note and pulls it out, reading it. “Red carnations symbolize love and adoration, red roses symbolize love, and deep red roses symbolize deep regret. Thornless means love at first sight. Twelve roses are a request to be mine and twenty four is a symbol of my dedication to you.” Lovino’s voice trails off toward the end of the note, tears welling into his eyes. He looks at Antonio. “You’re a sappy bastard!” He hugs the flowers to his chest, angry at himself for getting so emotional over a bouquet of flowers. Antonio smiles brightly. 

“I wanted you to know how I feel. From the moment I saw you I knew I wanted to be with you. But I also know that you are hurting and I want to give you time to heal. I included the deep red roses to show you that I regret what happened but I want to be better to you, to show you that there are people out there who can be good to you.” Antonio sets his hand gently on Lovino’s. “And I want you to be comfortable with me. I will wait as long as it takes to build your trust in me.” He whispers. “Because I know that you need the time. I wouldn’t blame you if you took years to trust somebody again. But I would wait for you.” 

Lovino can’t swat away his hand. It’s familiar and nice. Lovino sniffles, staring at Antonio as tears steadily roll down his cheeks. “Oh my god…” He turns his head away and then steps back. “I’m going to put these in my apartment. Then we can go to where you want to go on our date?” He asks softly, voice trembling with emotion. He turns and dashes up to his apartment, looking down at the flowers. He doesn’t know if he should even bother with putting them in a vase. Will that make him feel good? He does it anyway then comes back downstairs, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. 

“Okay Lovi! I was hoping that you would honour me by joining me in a few drinks and bad singing at the local karaoke place? Maybe some bad food as well?” He smiles at Lovino. “There’s a place right down the street. And honestly, who isn’t a bit cheered up by bad wine or beer and drunk singing? I’m sure they have pizza so then you’ll be able to eat something Italian.” He laughs at the look on Lovino’s face. Lovino steps behind Antonio’s wheelchair and starts to push him toward the karaoke place, having seen it in the past. 

“I think you’re too persistent for your own good Antonio. I’m just going to end up hurting us both in the end. And I think you know that but you don’t want to admit it, so you pursue me anyway. And I think that maybe you want to be with me too much. It’s kind of annoying that you see something in me this easily.” Lovino looks down at the head of curly hair. Lovino is frustrated with Antonio for being so persistent, because he never could say no. He has never been able to say no to Antonio when he smiles like that. 

Lovino has to admit that he had a lot of fun listening to Antonio drunkenly wail into the microphone. After their little date he waits as Antonio calls Francis to gets picked up then presses his lips to Antonio’s forehead. “Be safe. Please don’t leave the bar, let Francis come pick you up. Text me and we can go out again.” He still has no trust in Antonio. He walks away quickly, a small smile on his lips. 

In that moment, Lovino realized he would not be able to deny himself another relationship with Antonio. This is what he desired immediately after he realized Antonio was cheating. He wanted him all to himself again, and this is his chance. Even though it’s a shitty situation. His heart aches suddenly, and he reflects. No, it’s not what he wants. He wants his Antonio back. This isn’t his Antonio. He wants his loyal, happy Antonio who he married. 

Antonio realizes, watching Lovino’s retreating back, that he would do anything for that beautiful angel of a man. When Francis picks him up he chats with his friend about the date without revealing anything about the man he’s dating. He doesn’t want to hear Francis’ inevitable lecture about what who he is dating, since he’s sure that Francis won’t approve. 

Antonio texts Lovino. ‘Next time we’re going to the aquarium, okay?’ He smiles happily when Lovino texts back an affirmative. He feels absolutely love struck, just the thought that he might have gotten Lovino to smile makes his heart flutter. The spot where Lovino’s lips rested on his skin is hot, but Antonio knows it’s just because he’s hyperfocused on it. Francis rolls his eyes when he notices how zoned out Antonio is. 

Antonio can’t wait a week. He invites Lovino out to the aquarium the very next day, and is a bit disappointed to be told no. Lovino sends a text to explain it. 

‘I can’t go out on dates that quickly. I like you Antonio, but I don’t wish to spend every minute with you. Give me some time to get used to this… thing we have, then I’ll be able to go out more often.’ 

‘Okay Lovino. Take your time. How does next weekend sound?’ 

‘It sounds perfect.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?" - Terry Prachett
> 
> I have actually decided there will be an extra chapter after this, so that would make at least 5 more chapters after this. There may or may not be an epilogue, totalling this at 12-13 chapters


	8. Salvation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm not afraid to fall in love. I'm afraid to fall in love with the wrong person again" - Unknown

Antonio is thrilled as he rolls down the ramp of the bus that picked him up and brought him to Lovino’s house. The driver brings down his guitar and sets it in his lap before saying goodbye and stepping onto the bus. This is the first time Lovino has ever initiated a date, and Antonio is beyond excited. Lovino said they’d spend the day in the park, have lunch there, and just talk. He thinks that taking Lovino to the aquarium is what really solidified their relationship, at least in his own mind. They had spent all day there, looking at the animals. Lovino’s favourite was the penguins, judging by the squeals of excitements he made when he saw them. 

Lovino had kissed him for the first time at the end of the date. It was very brief, and Lovino looked embarrassed afterwards, but Antonio couldn’t stop thinking about it. Lovino’s lips were cold and soft against his own. Antonio’s lips tingle slightly as he thinks about it. Lovino had kissed him, but he isn’t sure that that means anything about how prepared Lovino is for having a real relationship, so he’s going to make sure that he never makes the first move like that. The last thing he wants is to upset Lovino. Whoever decided to hurt Lovino like that was a real jerk. 

Antonio finds a good place under a big tree and leans his guitar against the tree then waits, knowing Lovino is going to bring them a blanket to sit on. The Italian texts him minutes later to ask where he’s at, so he shouts out, getting Lovino’s attention. Lovino smiles slightly and comes over. “This is a good spot.” He mumbles, laying out the blanket and helping Antonio onto it. Lovino sits down beside him and looks at his guitar. “What, you get your cast off and Francis gives your guitar back?” He asks, setting the picnic basket beside him. Antonio laughs and nods. 

“Well, now that I’m not harming myself just to play, he’s a little more forgiving.” He responds. “Francis told me you loved hearing guitar music, so I thought I’d play for you. I have snippets that I remember writing at some point, but I don’t remember a whole lot.” Antonio moves his guitar and sits against the tree, opening it. Lovino sets his hand lightly on Antonio’s. 

“Can I say something first? I still don’t really trust you. I’m still worried you’re going to hurt me. But you haven’t so far, so I’m gonna say this. I really do like you Antonio, you’re very sweet. So I’m going to give you a chance and be your boyfriend.” Lovino whispers. “But I still need you to try to refrain from kissing me and touching me and stuff like that. You can hold my hand and that’s it.” 

Antonio smiles brightly, nodding. “I got it.” He responds. He wouldn’t go past those boundaries. It’s easier to let Lovino adjust and move at his pace, do things when he’s ready. Antonio pulls out his guitar the rest of the way and leans heavily on the tree, tuning it. Lovino pulls out a book and lays on the blanket, head laying on Antonio’s thigh, opening the book and starting to read as Antonio plays for him. Antonio sings along quietly, a bright smile on his lips. He lives for peaceful moments like this with Lovino. The moments that are so familiar they make his head ache. The moments when Lovino looks peaceful instead of pained to be with him. 

Lovino drifts to sleep like that, book falling shut as he does so. When Antonio realizes that Lovino went to sleep he chuckles and sets his guitar back in it’s case, leaning his head back and looking around the park. It’s a nice day, he thinks, the perfect day to be spending with Lovino. He refrains from touching the auburn locks that are splayed over his legs, not wanting to break the boundaries that Lovino set that quickly. Instead, Antonio busies himself with looking at the dogs running across the park. 

A particularly large one comes running over toward them, barking happily. It has a small dog following close behind. Antonio laughs when they sit on the blanket as well and the large one licks Lovino across the face. The Italian wakes up with a loud scream of irritation and wipes the slobber from his face. “Get out of here you awful creatures!” He snaps, pointing wildly away. The dogs just stare at him, panting, until the little one perks it’s ear and takes off in the direction of its owner's voice. The big one pants and smiles at Antonio, licking his face as well. Antonio smiles and scratches it behind the ear. 

“Come on Lovi, he was just saying hi. He probably likes you.” He hums. “Look how cute he is.” Antonio presses a kiss to the dog’s nose, then let’s go of him when he moves to run off as well, since his owner called again. Lovino wipes at his face, disgusted and gives Antonio a dirty look. 

“No, if he like walked over and sat, that would be saying hi. That was being overly friendly.” He hisses. Antonio laughs softly and Lovino’s heart aches in reaction. He watches the way that Antonio’s entire face lights up with the familiar sound and it makes Lovino’s heart hurt two fold. “Are you ready for lunch?” He asks, turning away quickly and opening the basket. Antonio nods and smiles. 

“What did you bring? Your food is the best.” Antonio hums softly and watches him. Lovino goes a bit stiff and turns to him with an eyebrow raised. 

“How the fuck do you know that? I’ve never cooked for you before.” His voice wavers, as if he can’t decide whether he’s upset or happy to hear that. Antonio cocks his head to the side and bites his lower lip. 

“I don’t know. I guess it just occured to me that I usually say stuff like that when people make me food.” He shrugs. Lovino relaxes and hands him a sandwich. 

“Nothing complex. Sandwiches and cold pasta salad.” Lovino hands him a fork and opens the pasta salad as well, setting it between the two of them. He starts to eat, looking around. “It’s such a beautiful day. The sun is warm.” He whispers. Antonio smiles and looks at him. 

And he isn’t sure what it is, but for a moment the edges of Lovino’s figure seem to almost waver. He blinks and it’s over. “Mierda… The heat must be getting to me.” He mutters. “Did you bring anything to drink?” And now that he’s focused on the way that the heat is affecting him, he does notice he’s a bit dizzy. He accepts the bottle of water Lovino gives to him and sips it, feeling a bit better. “Sorry Lovi, I got dizzy.” 

He misses the concerned look in Lovino’s eyes as he watches Antonio stay like that for a few moments. When Antonio suddenly goes limp he shrieks in terror and sits forward, setting his hand on Antonio’s neck to check his pulse. He moves his hand to Antonio’s face and feels that he has a fever. 

“Shit you bastard. Are you not taking care of yourself?” He asks weakly, taking out Antonio’s phone and calling an ambulance for him. He texts Francis about Antonio then stands up, packing up. He’s worried. He’s worried beyond belief for Antonio’s safety, but he can’t see him in the hospital again. Not again. Never again. No matter the circumstances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I fell in love  
> With the cracked   
> and broken pieces of you  
> So when you showed me your good side  
> I fell deeper and deeper  
> That I do not know  
> If I would ever  
> Survive the fall"   
> \- Cynthia Go // Falling


	9. Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. It's the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; it's the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future." - Jodi Picoult

Antonio opens his eyes and looks around, head fuzzy. He vaguely realizes that he’s waking up in the hospital again. Antonio closes his eyes again and drifts to sleep once more to the loud beeping of the machine beside him. The second time he opens his eyes, he sees a person with a mask by his head, and notices a crowd further down by his legs, but he is stopped from lifting his head by the person standing there. She moves a curtain between him and his legs, but he goes back to sleep anyway. The third time he wakes up he sees Francis sitting beside him, head in his hands. 

“Franny? What’s going on?” He asks softly. Francis jerks up, then smiles a bit at him. He stands up and approaches the bed. 

“Hey… Antonio you really need to tell me when you hurt your legs. I need to take care of it, because just letting the wound get infected and fester isn’t okay.” Francis’ smile drops. “It’s really scary when they need to admit you to the hospital like that. They had to remove your entire foot because the infection spread. They were barely able to save your leg.” He brushes Antonio’s hair out of his face. “Promise me you’ll be more careful with your body from now on. I know you can’t feel it when you get hurt down there, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t getting hurt.” 

Antonio frowns and sits up, looking down at the bloodied bandages where his foot ends. He lays back, hair pooling around his head on the pillow. Briefly, he wonders if Lovino knows what they had to do, but he doesn’t ask Francis. He runs a hand through his hair and pouts, puffing his cheeks out. “This sucks.” He mumbles. “I didn’t even know that I had a cut on my foot!” He huffs. He did know that his foot looked kind of weird, but he had no idea that it was a problem, until just now. Francis sighs. 

“I know. Maybe in the future we should look at your feet and legs every once in awhile, like maybe every two days, just to make sure.” Francis tells him, setting his hand on Antonio’s head and smoothing down the dirty, greasy curls. “You need a shower. And I think that your bandages need to be changed anyway, so I’m going to call a nurse to do both. Your cute friend Emma has been around a few times. She’s not your actual nurse though, Elizabeta is.” Francis smiles and hits the button to summon the nurse. 

Elizabeta walks in a few minutes later and gives a small smile to them. “Hello! Let’s get those bandages changed.” She steps out for a few moments then comes back in with a few rolls of gauze, then removes the old ones. She cleans his wound gently and carefully, then puts the new bandages on his leg. “Alright. Is there anything else I can help you with?” 

“According to Francis, I need a shower.” Antonio grumbles. He doesn’t want to take a shower, he just wants to sleep, but he knows that Francis isn’t easily persuaded. Elizabeta nods and comes forward, gently sitting him up. She prepares his wound site to ensure that the bandages won’t get wet, then calls another nurse in to help her get Antonio to the bathroom, then onto the bench. 

Elizabeta moves him back to the bed with Francis’ help, careful not to tug the tubes in his arms. Antonio winces when he unintentionally does it anyways. Elizabeta smiles at him and steps back. “Thank you, miss.” Antonio says quietly, flopping his head back on the pillow and closes his eyes, going to sleep quickly. He’s in the hospital for a few days, and it takes down his usually sunny personality. He struggles to stay optimistic and smile by the last day. Lovino hadn’t visited him, or even texted him, once. Antonio had tried to get ahold of him a few times, even trying to call him, but Lovino had failed to respond once. 

Francis is starting to worry about his friend. Antonio’s eyes are dull and his smiles seem more forced than Francis had ever seen them. He helps Antonio into his bed at home, then leaves the room to go get the mail. Matthew is staying at someone else’s house for a few days, in order to let Antonio adjust to his foot being missing. A day later, when he gets the mail, he smiles as he walks into the room. 

“Hey Antonio! Your law firm is going to have a celebration for you. It’s your retirement celebration I suppose, since you’re no longer fit to work there, but all your coworkers loved you dearly, so they want to celebrate. It says you can bring a plus one!” Francis lays the envelope on the cabinet beside Antonio then walks out when he doesn’t get a reaction from Antonio. If he keeps it up, Francis is going to get professional help, he has no idea what else to do with him. 

Antonio slowly pushes himself into a sitting position and opens the envelope. He supposes he could try to contact Lovino again and see if he wants to go. There’s no reason for him to be ignored like this. He can’t understand what he did that made Lovino angry at him like that. Antonio pulls out the letter and reads the silver words written in elegant font. He can’t help but smile slightly at it, pulling out two stiff tickets, writing in a rich, golden font. Antonio lifts his phone to his ear and calls Lovino, sighing as he gets his voicemail again. 

“Hey Lovi! I don’t know what I did that upset you so much, but I have some tickets to a little ball at my old workplace and I thought you’d like to come with me. If you do, just let me know, otherwise I think Francis is going to pounce on them.” He chuckles lightly, sadly. “Send me a text please? I’m starting to worry about you alot. It’s not fair to just drop off the face of the earth like this. I’m fine, I’m sorry I scared you at the park the other day. I promise I’m not dead and we will be taking great pains to make sure it doesn’t happen again…” Antonio gets cut off by the voicemail box. Antonio frowns at his phone. 

“Stupid technology.” He looks down at the invitation and puts the date and time into his phone’s calendar, not wanting to miss it. He pulls his wheelchair close to himself and carefully pulls himself into it, rolling himself to the door then down the hall to the kitchen. “Francis I’m going to this and I need to get dressed up.” He tells his friend. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Francis look so excited about something in his life. Francis claps happily and beams at Antonio, getting behind him and pushing him toward the door, chattering about all the places they can go to dress Antonio up. The phone in Antonio’s lap lights up with a message from Lovino. 

[Unread]: Okay Toni, I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’d love to go with you, just let me know when and where and I’ll meet you? 

[Unread]: Thank you for surviving, stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside of you that couldn't be filled?" - Jodi Picoult


	10. You Don't Like Dancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "That love is all there is, is all we know of love." - Emily Dickinson

Antonio had given Lovino the information about the place on the way to the first store. He smiles as Francis rolls him through the front door of the place and starts to hold shirts up to Antonio to see how the colour looks with his skin tone. He decides on a pale green shirt and sets it in Antonio’s lap, heading off to look at some of the suit jackets. Antonio laughs softly and shakes his head, watching his friend. He looks at the shirt and puts it back, choosing a light blue one instead. He likes the colour better. 

Antonio chooses a dark blue tie to go with it, thrilled with his colour choices. Francis comes back with a bright smile, then notices that Antonio changed the colour and tsks him, walking away to look again. “Antonio come over here and pick out some slacks.” He tells him, admiring a dark blue suit jacket. “What do you think of this one?” He asks, turning to Antonio to show him. Antonio nods and smiles. 

“Yeah, can we try it all on? And find matching slacks?” He asks. Antonio thinks that he’s going to look good in these clothes. He takes the suit jacket and then finds a sales associate, who lets him into the dressing rooms. He puts on what they picked out before rolling out of the stall with a brilliant smile. He’s excited to show Lovino how handsome he looks, and to see how Lovino dresses for the event. A squeal pulls him from his thoughts and he looks up at Francis, who is clapping happily. 

“You look so handsome Toni! Now if you’ll just let me fix that unruly hair of yours, you’ll look absolutely perfect. Do you know who you’re taking with you?” He asks, running his fingers through Antonio’s hair to try to force it lay flat. Antonio swats his hands away and then smiles and nods. 

“I’m going to bring my boyfriend with me.” He says and moves back into the stall, looking at himself in the mirror. He grins and looks at Francis. “This is the nicest I’ve ever looked. I really like it.” He closes the door to change back into his normal clothes then goes to the counter and pays for them. “Alright, so let’s go home, right?” He asks. He is relieved when Francis nods in confirmation. He’s never liked shopping very much, but Francis is notorious for spending an entire day amassing bags and such. He takes the bag and puts it in his lap, going toward the front door again. 

“Oh Toni, I’m so glad you’re letting me help you dress. You always wear such shabby clothes all the time, you look so handsome when you take the time to dress up… Though I suppose you don’t need to dress up because you don’t work anymore, but this is great! The ball is in three days, right?” He asks, grinning when Antonio nods. “Great! When am I going to meet this mystery man, Tonio?” He pouts at his friend as he helps him into the car. “It’s not fair, I wouldn’t hide my boyfriend from you.” 

“Soon, Franny, I will let you all meet him soon. I want him to be comfortable with meeting you all before I just introduce you.” He responds. “I’ll ask after the ball. He’s just barely beginning to trust me.” He buckles in and closes the door when Francis moves. He waits, turning to his friend when he also gets in the car. “Besides, it’s only been a few months. I haven’t been hiding him that long… But I really love him already.” Antonio blushes darkly. “How long should you wait before you propose to somebody?” 

Francis chokes on his spit, coughing into his hand. “What?” He asks, looking at his friend. “It’s way too early, especially if he doesn’t really trust you. You wait for the person to devote their love and trust to you with their entire heart, then you give them a romantic dinner. Most people wait at least a year to get engaged, sometimes longer.” He smiles gently at Antonio. “But when that time comes, I’ll help you get a ring, okay? But you better let me meet him before it comes to that.” 

“Thanks Franny.” He smiles. The days following he barely got anything from Lovino again. He’s worried that there’s something going on that Lovino didn’t tell him about, but all of those worries go away the night of the ball. He stares into the mirror in front of him as Francis slicks his hair down. He laughs when one of his curls gives Francis particular trouble as it pops up again. Francis’ tongue is poking out between his lips as he slathers more gel onto his hair. He grins triumphantly when it stays flat this time and washes his hands. 

“Aww my little guy!” He says teasingly, nudging Antonio. “Are you meeting him there?” He asks. “Do you want me to stay with you until he comes?” He asks, slyly trying to meet Antonio’s boyfriend early. Antonio shakes his head. 

“Nope! I’m taking the bus down there and meeting him there, and I’m going to probably have him bring me home. But don’t wait up for me.” He gives his friend a hug, then rolls out to the front. He waits on the porch for the bus, smiling happily. He’s excited to finally be able to see Lovino again. 

[Lovino] I’m going to be there soon 

[Unread] Bastard I’m here, when are you getting here? I can’t do anything until you arrive. 

Antonio chuckles when he reads that. ‘I’m almost there, Lovi, the bus was just a little late. Relax, I won’t leave you waiting for long.’ He hits send, then checks his pocket for the tickets for what seems like the millionth time. Getting out of the bus took a bit, but when he does he isn’t disappointed. Lovino is standing by the door, holding a single rose between his fingers. He checks his phone and Antonio can see the irritation flash across his face. If he’s being honest, he think’s it’s cute. The suit Lovino is wearing is black, but the deep red shirt beneath brings out the colour in his cheeks a bit more. 

“Lovi!” He calls out, rolling up the ramp towards him. Lovino spots him and those golden eyes seem to light up. “Lovi, you look beautiful!” He exclaims, smiling happily. Lovino blushes and looks down, holding out the flower. 

“You look good, too, Toni.” He mutters. “Well, let’s go in, right?” He asks, setting a hand on his shoulder. Antonio touches his hand gently before nodding, allowing Lovino to push him forward. He hands over their tickets then looks around. The ball room is massive, with golden chandeliers hanging overhead. Crystals shine in the light and make the room seem even bigger. Long tables filled with glasses of sparkling champagne and snacks, even a chocolate fountain, lie on the edges of the room, creating a frame for the dancing area. Classical music spills from the instruments on the stage while people laugh and talk happily to each other. 

Antonio smiles brightly at the scene, turning to Lovino with an excited look on his face. “Lovi it’s beautiful! What do you want to do first? Do you want to chat with the other people? Maybe get some champagne?” He asks, looking up at his boyfriend. Lovino raises an eyebrow at him and can’t help but smile. 

“Why don’t you go talk to your coworkers, and I’ll get us each a glass.” He walks off, picking up two of the slender glasses. Antonio quickly falls into conversation with a few people, smiling at Lovino and thanking him. He takes a sip, but the drink burns his throat on the way down and makes him gag. He pouts slightly, holding it lightly. 

“This stuff is the worst.” He mumbles, watching a few more people enter. Lovino snorts and starts to laugh at him, sipping his own drink when he gets himself under control. 

“You’re right it is, but as an adult you’re supposed to drink snooty drinks.” He tells the Spaniard, handing the glasses off to a waiter as he walks back. Lovino stays beside Antonio most of the night, but towards the end of the party, while all the other couples are swaying to a slow, romantic song, he notices Antonio staring longingly into the crowd. He takes a deep breath, sighing softly as he lets it out, then steps in front of him. “May I have this dance?”

Lovino holds out his hand with a small smile, blushing when Antonio grasps it. He can’t dance with Antonio like they normally would, so he climbs into his lap carefully, leaning his forehead against the Spaniard’s. Antonio blushes in surprise, but moves as much as he can to accommodate Lovino. He slowly sets his free hand on Lovino’s back. It’s nice, he realizes, as they sway slowly to the music. Antonio’s eyes slide shut and a smile spreads across his face. As the song fades out the two don’t separate. They spend minutes like that, though to them it feels like just seconds in each other’s embrace. Lovino hasn’t felt like this since he married Antonio. 

Lovino slowly opens his eyes and sees Antonio already staring at him. He blushes then slowly leans in, kissing him lightly on the lips. Antonio kisses back, holding Lovino just a bit tighter. Lovino pulls away and smiles softly, touching Antonio’s gelled back hair. “Why don’t we get out of here?” He asks gently. He slowly gets up, not wanting to cause any harm to Antonio’s legs, then gets behind him and pushes him. Antonio smiles brightly, looking up at him. 

“I’d invite you to my place but Francis wouldn’t let us just spend time together.” He says. Lovino blushes and looks down at him, chuckling. 

“Well, I’d invite you to my place but the doorman is judgemental. We should head to a hotel.” He whispers, kissing his cheek lightly. He helps Antonio into his small car, struggling to collapse the wheelchair to put it into his trunk, huffing as he gets into the driver’s seat. Antonio chuckles at him and smiles brightly, leaning over to press a soft kiss to Lovino’s cheek. And for the first time, Antonio isn’t quickly rejected. 

Lovino parks at the closest hotel and gets them a room for the night then leads Antonio up to it, holding his hand gently. That night is spent in each other’s arms, holding each other gently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I love you because I know no other way" - Pablo Neruda


	11. Wake Up With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiam." - Winston Churchill

Lovino shifts the next morning, rear aching. His eyes flutter open and stare at the unfamiliar wall across from him. He groans softly as he rolls over, flushing in surprise when he comes face to face with Antonio. He sits up quickly, breathing coming faster. “Holy shit.” He whispers, standing up and pulling his clothes on. “No no no, what’s wrong with me?” He glances at Antonio’s face, touching one cheek with a shaking hand. It had been such a good idea the night before. They could be together again, but it’s not meant to be like that. Lovino knew better. He knew better than to do that to himself. 

Lovino stands up, then pauses when he hears Antonio starting to wake up. He turns to him with big, frightened eyes and watches him blink awake, rubbing his eyes. “Lovi, where are you going? I thought we’d have breakfast together.” He smiles sleepily, pushing himself into a sitting position. Lovino frowns deeply and looks away from him, making Antonio look at him worriedly. “Lovino what’s going on?” He asks, a frown coming to his own lips. “Is this about last night? I thought you were ready, you said yes to me.” He whispers, voice shaking slightly. 

Lovino runs a hand through his hair violently, making some pieces of it stick up. “No I wasn’t ready! I said yes, but I wasn’t ready! It’s not your fault Antonio, it’s mine. I shouldn’t have done it, I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have given into your charms again…” He trails off, realizing that he screwed up. Antonio looks at him in confusion, biting his lip lightly. 

“Again? What are you talking about? We were never together before a few months ago. I had never met you before a few months ago.” Antonio’s eyebrows come together. “What aren’t you telling me.” He snaps it out, it doesn’t even come out as a question, more a demand for information. Lovino flinches and turns away. 

“I can’t do this with you, Antonio!” He shouts, throwing his hands in the air. “I can’t do this again! I can’t handle it again! Because if you do this again, I’ll fucking die! Don’t you understand?” He is almost screaming, as he turns around, tears pouring from the golden eyes. He heads towards the door, until Antonio yelling at him catches his attention. 

“No I don’t understand, Lovino! I don’t understand because no one is explaining anything to me! Francis is keeping a huge piece of my memory away from me, you’re keeping a huge piece of my memory from me!” He throws his hands in the air. “Don’t you dare walk away from me Lovino, because you know I can’t come after you! Stop avoiding things just because you don’t want to talk about them, it’s not fair to me!” He goes quiet, tears dripping off of his cheeks. He doesn’t look up when the bed dips, then Lovino’s hand touches his cheek. Green eyes meet hazel after a few more seconds. 

“You’re going to hate me, Antonio, and I wouldn’t blame you. Are you ready to know what’s been going on?” He asks. 

Antonio nods slowly, so Lovino takes a deep breath and starts to explain to him. Lovino starts at when they really first met, then covers it all up until the accident. Antonio stares at him, hurt flashing across his face. He pushes Lovino away from him, staring at him. “Why did you keep this from me?” He asks irritably. “Do you like playing with my heart? Was this some sick way to get back at me?” He asks, tears welling into his eyes. “Because you know what, I don’t remember doing that, and I fell in love with you. I really love you, Lovino, it’s not fair of you to do that.” He sniffles and wipes away his tears, looking at Lovino. 

“I thought that it would be easier for me, Antonio! I didn’t want you to know and feel bad and try to make it up to me! I didn’t want to be with you! I didn’t want you to come near me again, because I know that you are the way you are and I thought you’d cheat on me again, dammit!” He shouts. “And Francis told me to stay the fuck away from you but I didn’t listen because my heart told me that I still love you! So I decided to try again but it wasn’t to hurt you! Honestly I think it was probably to hurt me a little bit, maybe somewhere deep inside I knew that this would end like this, but maybe I didn’t care!” 

Antonio feels guilty. He looks at Lovino and then down, pulling the Italian’s unwilling body into a hug, rubbing his back. “I’m sorry, Lovi. We’re really damaged aren’t we?” He asks softly. “But I’m willing to try to make this work if you are. I’m willing to love you despite everything. And I can try to set aside what happened if you can.” He whispers and kisses his forehead. He lets go of Lovino when Lovino gently pushes at his chest, looking down at him. Lovino kisses his lips softly. 

“There’s one more thing I have to tell you, but right now is not the time. It’s not that important.” He looks at his wristwatch. “I have to leave. I love you Antonio… I really do.” He kisses Antonio again, then gets up and leaves, letting Antonio take his time getting ready and pulling himself into his wheelchair. He calls Francis to pick him up, waiting outside the hotel for the blond.

Francis grins when shows up, but it turns into a frown when he sees the tears on his friend’s cheek. “What happened, Toni. Did he turn out to not be that great? Do I need to kick someone’s ass?” He asks softly, running a hand through Antonio’s crusty hair. He helps Antonio into the car, but doesn’t start it. “You’ve been crying, so I have to know now. Who is it, Toni? Please tell me.” 

“Okay… Well… It’s that man from the store, Lovino. My um… Ex? Well I fell in love with him again and he’s giving me a second chance.” He smiles shakily and sniffles. “We made up, it’s okay Franny.” Francis looks horrified. 

“Antonio… What are you talking about? Lovino is dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Kahhl Gibran


	12. Reverse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breath, to think, to enjoy, to love" - Marcus Aurelius

Antonio just stares at Francis. There’s no way he heard what he thinks he did. “What?” He asks softly, head tilted to the side. “No… That’s not possible I’ve been dating him for months now.” His voice trembles. Francis’ eyebrows come together and he looks down at his hands. 

“He killed himself shortly after you came home. That night that Feliciano was home watching Matthew? He went to Lovino’s house and found him lying in the middle of sheet music you had written him. He had taken too many pills and it was too late when Feliciano got there. He blamed himself so much, Antonio, it was so sad.” He whispers. “His funeral was the day that I refused to tell you or Matthew what was going on. Matthew told me you went out with Lovino but I thought that he just saw someone who looked like Lovino and thought it was him. I don’t know how this happened, Toni.” He whispers, looking away from his friend. 

“So I’ve been dating a ghost? Haha funny joke, Francis, but no one is laughing.” He looks at the blond. “Francis please tell me that you were kidding. This isn’t nice.” Antonio is getting more and more panicked. Francis shakes his head. 

“I’m not kidding. Lovino has been dead for a long time now. I’ll prove it to you, okay? Buckle up.” He starts the car and drives down to the little cemetery just out of town. The drive is silent. Antonio doesn’t want to turn on the radio to fill the silence, he’s too freaked out. He fixates on the sky and the trees going by. He finds some comfort in the way the sunshine shines through the leaves, it’s a familiar feeling, a familiar experience. He has to look away when his eyes start to ache from the blinding light. He looks down at his hands, trying to ignore the little black shapes from looking into the sunlight for too long. 

Francis parks in the little lot and helps Antonio into his wheelchair. He pushes him down the gravel path with some difficulty. They make it to the little gravestone in the far corner of the cemetery. A small angel is set on top and flowers overcrowd the stone, almost too much, but Antonio can still read the name clearly. He sniffles quietly then starts to cry, moving himself out of his chair and to the ground. He sobs, hands moving down to to pull at the grass. Francis’ hand on his shoulder proves to just irritate him. 

“Leave me alone, dammit!” He screams at Francis, pushing him away. The blond steps back, hurt flashing across his face. Francis takes a deep breath and leaves without another word, assuming he could just wait in the car. He calls Feliciano, trying to explain what happened. Antonio curls up in front of Lovino’s grave, caring little if it would seem disrespectful. He sobs softly, crying until his throat it raw, his chest hurts, and his eyes sting. He cries until there’s nothing left to let out, then he just sits there, sniffling. The sky is streaked with orange and pink light as the sun descends toward the horizon. Antonio doesn’t care, as he lays shivering in the grass. He wants to stay there for the rest of his life. Lovino is dead… How could this have happened? He loved him with all his heart. 

Feet come into Antonio’s view. He slowly looks up and sees Francis standing above him. “They’re closing the cemetery, Toni.” He says quietly. “I’m so sorry, but we have to go home now. You can stay in your bed if you’d like.” He gently picks Antonio up before setting him in his chair. Antonio is limp, too sad to put up a fight, too weak. He doesn’t see a point in any of it anymore. 

When they get home, Antonio plugs his phone in. He wants to call Lovino, ask Lovino what’s going on. Maybe it really is all some big joke that they’re doing to hurt him. He’d be upset, yes, but at least Lovino would be alive… His phone screen lights up soon after to let him know that it’s alive again. As soon as it does, he calls Lovino. 

“Ciao, Toni.” Lovino says softly, voice unsure. He isn’t sure why Antonio called him, he only does that when things are extremely important. Antonio’s breath hitches when he hears Lovino’s voice, and he feels more tears beginning to build in his eyes. 

“Lovi… Francis told me you’re dead. I didn’t believe him. I knew you were alive.” He whispers. “Because you wouldn’t be talking to me now if you were dead.” He sniffles and wipes at his eyes. “Lovi I need to see you…” He whimpers. He hears Lovino sigh deeply and then some shuffling. 

“Toni I am dead. Your friend wasn’t lying. I’ve been dead for a long time.” He explains. “But I couldn’t stay away from you. I didn’t think I’d have to explain everything so quickly.” He leans his head into his hand. “But I’ll come over, okay? Just wait for me. I’ll explain better when I get there.” Lovino hangs up. Antonio starts to cry again softly, wiping at his eyes. He doesn’t understand how he never noticed that Lovino isn’t alive. How could he miss something that big? Lovino’s body certainly felt real. Other people saw him too… This doesn’t make any sense. 

The doorbell rings. He looks up, knowing it must be Lovino. Francis opens the door, but sees no one. “Damn kids…” He mutters, but turns when Antonio comes up behind him. 

“Please let Lovino in, Francis. Don’t be rude.” He whispers. Francis looks at the empty doorway, but steps out of the way, planning on calling a therapist or something to help Antonio with his grief. He watches Antonio go back to his room and close the door behind him. Lovino is there, hand on Antonio’s shoulder as they head back. He sits down on Antonio’s bed with him, head down. 

“God dammit, Antonio…” He runs his hands through the auburn locks. His frame wavers, and this time Antonio knows he’s actually seeing it. “I have a lot of trouble holding myself here, so you need to listen to me and listen to me good, okay? I’ve used a lot of my energy to be with you all night last night. And I can feel myself fading. I’m going to explain everything to you, but it’s up to you what you do with that information.” Lovino watches Antonio nod, then looks down again. 

“I learned how to keep myself on earth. I didn’t realize that I was a ghost until after our first date…” He whispers. “But I did notice that no one could see me. I didn’t attend my own funeral but I have seen my gravestone. Every since then I’ve felt myself slipping away more and more. You make me so happy Antonio, and I think it’s finally time I move on. I think it’s time you move on too. There’s just one more thing I need you to do for me…” He whispers. 

Antonio nods. “Anything, mi amor. I would do anything for you.” He grabs Lovino’s hand gently, feeling how cold he is. Antonio looks over his face, blushing when Lovino kisses him softly. 

“I need you to wake up, okay? I need you to wake up.” Lovino whispers. “I need you to wake up.” 

“What does that mean? I am awake!” 

“I need you to wake up. There’s people waiting for you and they need you. You’re going to be alright, but you need to wake up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I feel as if I'm always on the verge of waking up." - Fernando Pessoa
> 
> Just one more chapter and maybe an epilogue now


	13. Evaporate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some triggering content. Please don't read if suicide triggers you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Even knowing the ending was sad, I wouldn't have deprived myself of the beauty of the story" - Sandra Brown

Antonio’s eyes flutter open and stare at the plain white ceiling above him. His whole body is heavy. His head falls to the side, starting at the balloons and flowers decorating a plain table beside him. The room smells strongly of hospital, and the incessant beeping of the monitor beside him is starting to get to him. Antonio reaches up slowly and pulls the mask off his face, surprise slowly coming across his face when a loud wailing from one of the machines erupts into the room. 

Nurses rush in, ready to take Antonio into an emergency room, but they pause when they see bright green peering back at them. Antonio blinks slowly, as if trying to figure out just what is happening. A nurse comes over and silences the machine, gently helping Antonio sit up. She takes his vitals then steps back, a cold look on her face. “You really scared everyone. Do you have any idea how long you were out?” She asks. Antonio shakes his head, throat aching at the thought of speaking. 

“You were asleep for six months, sir. We almost moved you to a permanent home, because your friends refused to give up on you. They are being notified that you woke up.” She tells him. “You have no permanent injuries, and the doctor will need to look over you, but you will probably be released as early as tomorrow.” She explains before turning and leaving the room. Antonio watches her go, brain running a million miles an hour. He wants water, that’s the most prominent thought in his mind, but there’s also another. Lovino. Where is he? What happened to him? 

Francis comes through the door, holding a single red rose. He smiles at his friend and sets it in one of the vases. Matthew comes through the door as well, standing straight as a board beside his uncle’s bed. Antonio stares at Matthew, wondering if that nurse lied to him. There’s no way that Matthew could have aged that much while he was asleep for six months. Francis smiles at Antonio and gently takes his hand. “How are you, hm? I’m so glad you are awake Toni, we were starting to give up on you. But I know you were still in there.” He says and pats Antonio’s leg. That gets his attention. He stares at his feet, moving his toes slowly. 

“I’m supposed to be paralyzed.” He rasps. Francis looks confused, then pours Antonio a glass of ice water. He slowly helps his friend drink it, petting his hair gently. 

“Antonio, I don’t know what you dreamed about while you were sleeping, but you are not paralyzed. You never have been. Do you want to talk about it, and I’ll tell you what happened in return?” He asks gently. Antonio nods, staring at Matthew for a few seconds before looking at his lap. 

“I came home late to my anniversary with Lovino. He kicked me out and I got into a car accident. I lost all my memories and became paralyzed. You let me move in with you and Matthew was only a small child. Then I started dating Lovino again but he was a ghost and I didn’t know and I had to lose him…” He whimpers, licking his lips in an attempt to wet them. Francis helps him drink another glass of water before sitting down. 

“Well… None of that happened. You did come home late to your anniversary, but it wasn’t by much. You came home and found Lovino dead in your bed. There was a note beside him that said he couldn’t handle it anymore.” He whispers. “And you downed the pain medication that you had in the counter. You called Gilbert to say goodbye and he called an ambulance. We’ve been waiting for you to wake up.” He brushes Antonio’s hair out of his face. “Lovino was already dead when you arrived. We weren’t able to save him. Maybe deep down you knew that and your brain was trying to compensate for that. And that’s why you ended up with Lovino again.” 

Matthew sits down on his other side, grasping his hand lightly. “I’m sorry, Uncle Toni.” He whispers. “We have been leaving flowers on his grave for you.” He gives him a small smile. Gilbert comes barrelling through the door, bursting into tears when he sees Antonio awake. He hugs him softly, burying his face in his best friend’s shoulder. Roderich walks through the door slowly after him, holding a baby in his arms. Antonio doesn’t hug back, mind reeling. 

Lovino is actually dead. It wasn’t a big nightmare, it was real life reflected in his mind. He closes his eyes as tears well up in them. He doesn’t want anyone near him. “Get out.” He whimpers weakly. “I want to be alone, leave me alone, get out.” He shouts, tears pouring off his cheeks. Francis nods and slowly stands up, pushing Matthew and Gilbert out. He understands how painful it is to lose the person who means the world to you. Antonio cooperates with the doctor when she comes in, letting her examine him and answering questions when asked. 

Antonio is released that day, despite being pretty weak still. He is given instructions on how to take care of himself before he’s allowed to leave. Feliciano is in the waiting room. He smiles at Antonio and comes over to him slowly, remembering the warning Francis had given him about how upset Antonio is. 

“Hey Toni…” He whispers, hugging him gently. “You want to visit Lovi, right?” He asks. “I kept the home for you, so I’m going home soon, now that you’re awake. I just need to pack up my stuff. I was in the guest room.” Feliciano gently leads him to his car. “Let’s go visit Lovi.” 

Antonio resists him, pushing him off. “No! I don’t want see his grave! I don’t want that!” He shouts at Feliciano, taking in a quick breath. “I don’t want to see that! Haven’t you ever considered that this is a lot to take in? I just want to go home and go back to sleep. Hopefully this time I won’t wake up.” He whispers. “And next time I end up like that, I want you to pull the plug, dammit.” Antonio turns away from him, determined that he’s going to walk home. He had missed the ability to use his legs. 

Feliciano sighs deeply, looking down at the filthy pavement in the parking lot. He rubs the toe of his shoe against the ground then drives back to Antonio’s house, making a small dinner for Antonio, for when he makes his way home. Antonio takes his time, staring up at the sky that is slowly filling with clouds. He finds it fitting when it starts to rain, warm droplets hitting him in the face. He, too, starts to sob. 

By the time he makes it to his porch he feels numb. He’s completely soaked from the rain water. He pushes his shoes off his feet and heads upstairs, ignoring his friends in the living room. He showers then gets dressed, flopping onto Lovino’s side of the bed. He buries his face in Lovino’s pillow. Lovino’s scent there is very faint. He wishes he could go back into his coma world and be with Lovino again. He wants to sleep with him again, at least once. 

There’s a rustling of paper, and Antonio sits up, noticing the note where it fell to the floor. He lifts it up, reading over Lovino’s last words. Another sob falls from his lips as he hugs the note to his chest, tears dripping from his tears to lap. He wants to die, there’s nothing left for him anymore. He’s convinced of that. The only person for him is gone now. Someone’s voice calls his name, it sounds terribly familiar. He thinks it’s Lovino at first, until Feliciano is the one standing in the doorframe, a sad look in his eyes. He looks at Antonio with pity in his eyes. 

“Antonio… We want you to come downstairs, we want to talk to you, okay?” He comes over and tries to force him out of the bed. Antonio lays down fully, glaring through his tears at Feliciano. He clings to his pillow, and when Feliciano leaves to get everyone else, he locks the door behind him. For some reason, they don’t get the hint. They won’t just leave him alone. He doesn’t want his friends, he wants Lovino. Antonio goes into the bathroom, opening the cabinets. 

Antonio finds a half filled pill bottle. He sets it back in the cabinet then grabs the bottle of Lovino’s cologne. He never liked it much, but Lovino seemed to really enjoy it. He sprays Lovino’s pillow with it, then pulls it close. He can’t believe he’ll never see his Lovino again. He can’t believe he’d ever cheated on him. He can’t believe the reality he’s living. Antonio thinks about what gave him the last perfect reality, then moves slowly to the bathroom again to grab the bottle. 

What will it mean if he does this? His friends might let him finally be with Lovino, won’t they? He opens the bottle, hesitating for only a moment before he starts to take them quickly. The knocking on the door is just background noise as he lays on the tile, Lovino’s pillow held against his chest. “I’m coming back to you Lovino.” He whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The moral of this story is that no matter how much we try, no matter how much we want it... some stories just don't have a happy ending." - Jodi Picoult
> 
> Thanks to everyone who stuck around until the end of the story, but thanks especially to AsexualShadowPrince and Shadowrivertonio for helping me out and giving me feedback on this story. Thank you for reading this story and going on this journey with me. This is the first time I have ever finished a story and I am so glad that I was able to finish it with so much support. You guys made me incredibly happy.


End file.
